My Learning Curve: Never Give in… (Re-post from “A Bushel and a Peck”)

My Learning Curve: Never Give In, Never Give In…

By OneThankfulMomMonday December 5, 2011

I wrote this post months ago, and it sat in my “Drafts” folder as I contemplated whether I should post it.  I read it again last week and the timing was perfect because I was discouraged at the moment, and weary, and feeling like life was just harder than I could manage.  My own words smacked me right in the face. I must have been very fired up when I wrote this – that’s all I can say.  If you think you are ready, read on.

When we adopt children from “hard places,” we are willingly devoting our lives to a challenge.  We must prepare ourselves for battle, not with our child, but for our child.  We may find ourselves fighting for her physical health, emotional health, and mental health. Without a doubt we will be fighting a spiritual battle like none other.

This is not a battle against flesh and blood, but a spiritual battle for our children’s healing and wholeness.  But you and I both know who will win this battle – who has already won it – the Lord Jesus.  He placed your children in your family and my children in mine, and He does not make mistakes.  I don’t mean that in a trite “greeting card” way – He is the Lord of the universe and He is sovereign and good.  He loves us and He loves our children who come to us with broken hearts and bodies.

We may be hurt in the process.  Our hearts will be wounded by burdens we never imagined we would face.  Our bodies may be hurt as we love a raging child.  Our minds will be easily led down a road of anxiety over the future.  Sadly, our other children may also suffer and we will need to protect them and heal their wounds as the home they once knew is changed before their eyes.

But, this is it, this is the battle we have been called to fight and we cannot fight it alone; we need to gather people around us.  We need friends who love us and our children and who understand the significance of this hard work .  We need fellow adoptive parents to encourage us and remind us of the value of our calling. We need friends who will not only pray but bring dinner on long therapy days; friends who will support us when we feel we cannot go on.  And we need the Church, the Body of Christ, to shelter us and be our “safe place,” the place where we can always go when there is nowhere else to turn.

When our days are very challenging, we may cry out to God and ask him, “How long? How long will we struggle?”  I don’t know the answer, but I can tell you that our first adopted children arrived home over 4 ½ years ago.  Dimples is making significant progress, but it has been 54 months, two weeks and 3 days of working toward her healing, which we are seeing slowly happen.  There is no quick fix, and if we are hoping there is we will be sorely disappointed.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.

When I am weary, familiar phrases from God’s Word bring me encouragement.  We are running a race.  This world is not my home.  God heals the brokenhearted. But today, the words that come to me time and time again are those of Winston Churchill,

Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never–in nothing, great or small, large or petty–never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.

This is what I need to hear today.  Never give in – never yield to force or to what may appear to be the overwhelming might of the enemy.  When we wake in the morning unsure if we can make it through another day of parenting our special children, we must remember that the Lord will give us the strength to do the work He has called us to do. When we are tempted to give up the fight, we must stay in the battle believing the promises of our God who will strengthen us.

To our children we must say, “I will fight for you.  I will never give in –  never, never, never, never.  You are mine, you are precious.  You are of such great worth that Jesus died for you.  You are worth weeping  for, praying for, sacrificing for; I love you and I will not let you go.”

After all, there is One who has fought for us, wept for us, prayed for us, and even died for us.  He loves us and He will not let us go.

Note: Are there times when “convictions of honor and good sense”  bring us to a place where we cannot continue the fight for our child?  Yes. This not a message to those parents and is in no way meant to judge them.  If you have been released by God to seek other options for your child – I pray for grace for your family in this difficult journey.

#481 – 490 giving thanks

Noah taking the girls to school so Russ can keep working and I can stay home

birds flocking to our birdfeeder

Eby lying on his bed during Quiet Hour watching the birds from his window

Rusty helping me with a creative Christmas project

the sun coming up as I write – orange, pink, deep blue

three candles lit on the kitchen counter

Samuel working with the youth at church

Ladybug’s amazing good attitude

medications that keep my children alive – a miracle of medical science

a new week, just beginning, and all that it will hold

(p.s. One more thing – my apologies for the Deepak Chopra ad that keeps appearing in my sidebar.  I have emailed BlogHer three times asking them to remove it.  This is the first time they have not responded when I’ve made a request regarding removing an ad.  I will contact them again today.)

Encourage one another,

Lisa

The Nitty Gritty of Adoption (Repost from ‘We Are Grafted In”)

The Nitty Gritty of Adoption

When we first announced our plans to adopt, many (though not all) of the responses we received were…shall we say…less than ecstatic. We weren’t expecting the same thrills and cheers that people receive when they announce when they’re pregnant. But, when sharing something that has begun to consume your heart receives a negative response, it stings a little bit.

This pic was our initial announcement.

To those who have never thought about adoption and have only been educated about it through the nightly news, it can be a foreign concept that stirs up feelings of risk, danger, impracticality, and fear. Why would you adopt when you can have biological children of your own? What if your adopted child is mean to your biological child? Why would you put your family at risk for something difficult when your life is so easy right now? You’re adopting from Africa, does your adopted child have a communicable illness? Are you sure having an interracial family is a good idea? (Just look at a current family picture for the answer to that one.) How can you love an adopted child the same as a biological child? You’re going to have all girls…doesn’t your husband want a biological son to carry on his name?

We’ve spent a lot of time defending our decision to adopt and will probably continue to do so. We realize it’s not something that everyone does and the unknown can be very scary for some. Not only is adoption changing our lives, but it’s changing the lives of our friends and family. Even though we are the ones who made the choice to adopt, our decision impacts many people. That can take awhile to come to terms with.

So why are we doing it?

To sum it up, we’re adopting because Christ loved us first and has adopted us into His family and kingdom. He has been to those dark, sick, nitty gritty places over and over and over again. I’m not talking about orphanages. I’m talking about places like my own heart. Had I seen the depths of my heart before I was rescued by Christ, I would have considered myself unadoptable because of the sickness in me. But Christ fought for me because I am worth it to Him. Love hopes and believes all things. We know that adoption won’t be easy. This will very likely be the most difficult thing we will ever do in our lives, but we are not afraid because the greatest glory and treasure often comes out of the greatest struggle. There will be challenges, sleepless nights, rebellion, bitterness, feelings of not belonging, doctor’s visits, inappropriate questions from strangers and friends, bad hairdos, delayed milestones, and much more. There will also be cuddles, laughter, new traditions, milestones reached, birthdays, “gotcha day” celebrations, 3 cultures to honor, shared clothing, sleepovers, and unconditional love and commitment.

We are not afraid.

We are not looking for easy lives.

We are looking for glory, hope, redemption, and love in every corner and crevice because our Creator God has placed it there. We’re not about the practical. We’re about the impractical, incomprehensible, wild and ridiculous love of our great Redeemer who has led us from brokenness and pain into His restored and delivered heavenly family.

To get to the point, we’re adopting, not in order to avoid challenges and risks, but to call out love and hope in the dark and difficult places. It’s there and we will not give up, because we were not given up on.

________________________________________

Sarah Pascual

Sarah Pascual lives in Atlanta, GA with her husband Jonathan and sweet 16 month old daughter, Aurora. Sarah works for a non-profit and Jonathan is the best stay-at-home dad ever. They began their adoption adventure in March 2011 when God opened their eyes to the millions of African children needing a family. Their initial plan was to adopt one child under age 2, but God enlivened their hearts to a set of 3 1/2 year old twin girls they are hoping to bring home within the next few months. Their journey is a road of grace, thankfulness, adventure, and love. You can follow their adoption journey here.

“SPD Meltdown” – Re-post from “We Are Grafted In”

The following is a re-post from the blog “We Are Grafted In“, which is a compilation of excellent posts about the joys, trials, and challenges of adoption.  SPD refers to a condition called “Sensory Processing Disorder”. Jean Ayres, PhD, likened SPD to a neurological “traffic jam” that prevents certain parts of the brain from receiving the information needed to interpret sensory information correctly.

Many adoptive parents find themselves facing SPD and wondering what they have done wrong.  SPD is not limited to adopted or foster children.  The following post, from adoptive mother Stacey Richards describes it well.  For families facing this issue, emotional strain can be great.

Here is the post:

She starts crying…lots of stiff, foot stomping crying…crying “mommy, mommy, hold me.” It’s the beginning of a meltdown. Of course, I immediately bend down and scoop up my precious crying babe. But, what’s different about this cry? The cause? It’s sensory processing disorder. It’s a cry and pain that cannot be comforted, a cry that can’t be stopped, a cry that the more you try to comfort and soothe, the more intense and raging it becomes, a cry that is actually more like a blood curdling scream, a continual scream that will only stop when her body has fully let it all out. SPD is holding her hostage in her own body.

I pick up my crying babe just for her to start screaming, “don’t touch me, put me down.” I put her down. She changes her screams of “put me down” to “I want to hold you…hold me, hold me” and this goes on for at least 40 minutes, sometimes much longer. We sit in a chair as she screams and kicks, fighting me, fighting herself the entire time, her body is extremely tight, rigid, stiff. She clings to me for dear life and pushes me away at the same time. We try walking around but it’s extremely difficult to carry her because of the intense kicking. The love that a mama normally pours out for her hurt child–the singing, the caressing, the holding, the kissing, the whispers, the beautiful loving–actually causes my girl to spiral even deeper.

She kicks violently, she slaps my legs until they are red, she frantically rubs her feet together until they are raw and almost bleeding. I try to protect her. I try to hold her feet, separate her feet, anything to keep her from rubbing them together. But, her adrenaline is raging. The child who has hypotonia is just about stronger than her mama. The more I try to stop her, the more persistent and focused she becomes in rubbing her feet. The more I ask her to stop kicking and flopping her legs all over, the more she flails, the more she screams “don’t touch me, hold me, put me down, I want you.”

This will only end when her body, her brain, and neurological system will let her rest, when her disorganized little body can calm long enough to get her grounded.The screaming, kicking, feet rubbing, stomping, pushing, slapping is starting to fade. Her body is exhausted and will finally let her rest. She collapses on my shoulder and her SPD cry turns into an exhausted weep.

It’s over; the meltdown is done. She will weep for a few moments, sit up, and carry on like nothing ever happened. I can still see the exhaustion in her eyes. But, for now, her body is at peace and communicating properly. She hums and skips around as if all is well.

But, this mama doesn’t forget. This mama grieves for the deep, internal wounds my baby girl carries, for her disorganized little insides. This mama grieves that no matter how much I try to comfort her during these times, the more pain it causes her.

Lord, continue to heal our miracle girl, the precious babe you fashioned and created to be our girl, the precious babe you had us fight for, the sweet girl that we are still fighting for. Equip us to help her heal. Show us everything she needs and how we can help her. Amen.

________________________________________

Please visit Stacy’s blog to read 4 Years Living With Sensory Processing Disorder about how they discovered their daughter had SPD and how they have walked through it medically. It’s worth your time. Truly.

Please Pray Today … and Praise God for Adoption Miracles

Two adoption stories for your prayers today.

The first is a call for prayer

for a pending adoption in Uganda … the story, the process, the family involved is amazing … the bottom line is that they need your/our prayers today for a critical meeting with the birth mother of one of the two girls they are in Uganda to adopt.

The second is a call to praise God

for his miracles and for the amazing ways He uses to bring and sustain life.  Please read the latest update on this little boy who was just recently brought home from China.

As you think of both of these situations, please continue to pray for God’s heart for the orphan to be embraced by the church overall and by you and me specifically.

“One day Alex will have a dad …”

One of the ministries we enjoy following is “New Day Foster Home” in China.  They serve orphaned children until they are adopted into forever families, and they serve them well.  We enjoy reading their updates and seeing how the children are growing.  We also appreciate their passionate desire to see each of the kids find their forever families.  A recent post about Alex was precious and poignant.  I’m including it here for you to consider.

(For more information on New Day Foster Home, click here to visit their main site)

Alex’s Day

In celebration of Alex’s seventh birthday, some of the men on staff decided that he needed as close to a father-son adventure as he could have. So, Alex and all of his uncles went fishing. The caught a few whoppers and Alex claims to have caught three big ones.

After catching six fish, the hard-working fishermen got hungry and made their way to a restaurant nearby. The cooks were happy to cook up one of Alex’s biggest catches and it was heartily enjoyed. The fish was picked clean in the end.

Because it was his birthday, Alex got to choose a special dish. He unhesitatingly requested, “Pig Ears.” Later, one of the men was talking with Alex:

“Alex, did you know that there are pigs running around right now who can’t hear? Do you know why this is?”

“Because I ate their ears!” Alex responded grinning. He was in his element the whole morning.

 

Alex had a great time. He loved hanging out with the other “big guys”. We know how much Alex needs time with older men who can mentor and guide him. We try to provide that for him and the other boys here, but we can’t give them what they really need. They need fathers of their own.

One day Alex will have a dad, and that father will be so blessed to have Alex as his son.

…Alex will be pretty excited too.

Some people say the right things so well …

As adoptive parents, we have faced interesting questions from well meaning people.  While I can’t say for sure that we’ve heard these exact questions, we have heard some similar.  Whether it is family or friends, the questions can come as a shock, but generally they reveal how hard it is to walk in another’s shoes and to truly feel what they are feeling.

The post below is very well written and comes from the blog, 5millionminus1 … enjoy

 

I hear Tedi say, “My Mommy, I need you” or “Mommy, I love you” or “Yes ma’am, Mommy”, I melt.  When I see him hug my

The Henderson Family

friends and give them kisses and hear him sing “Lay ‘em Down” to Jesus, I wonder how in the world someone could not love this child based on the color of skin or because he did not “come from me.”  Even now, seven months later, I still have people ask me, “Don’t you want children of your own?”  I know these people do not mean any harm, especially those close to me who ask.  I know they really mean “Don’t you want to have children come your private parts that look like you?” and still, they mean no harm. If you have read any of our blog, you will realize that we did try for about one year to conceive.  I did not seek in vitro or in utero fertilization procedures…I felt called to something different….adoption. (as a disclaimer, I am not in opposition to these whatsoever.  I was just called differently) But that year of trying left a scar on my heart.  A scar that a good dose of kisses from Tedi will mask like middle-aged women and their anti-wrinkle makeup.  However, these words uttered, often in curiosity, cause a slight bit of pain where in the healing scar hides. I often wonder how these people hear Tedi say “Mommy or Daddy” and think he is not actually mine.  I love to talk about my adoption and love entertaining questions about all aspects, even the dirty stuff like this.  However, I still find this question hurtful when flippantly uttered.

So in rebuttal, Tedros James Henderson is MY son.  He did not pass from my body, was not created by the DNA combo of a Stewart and a Henderson, but was intricately created by the Creator for our family.  He is as OCD as his father and is as loving as me, if not more.  He is as determined as JT and a jokester like his daddy too.  He does not share my chromosomes, my skin color, my hair texture, but if you spend time with him, you know he is ours.

To answer the initial question, the one everyone either haphazardly asks or wants to…. “Do I want biological children?”   Here is my answer…. If God gifts me with a child of our bodies, I will feel blessed. However, I will not love that child any more dearly than I do Tedi.  I have vowed that I will not let the pangs of infertility, the absence of a child in my womb, steal joy from me another day.  I will not allow it to make me despise pregnant women as it did when I was in the midst of its fog.  I will not allow it to place a wedge in my marriage like it started to do during our struggle.  Thank God for His peace and granting me a heart that now knows of the blessings (and struggles) of being an adoptive parent.   When I look into my son’s face, I know there are millions more orphans like him needing a mommy to brush their teeth and kiss their cheeks and feed their bellies. If my inability to conceive (and the pain it created in the past) is what it takes to slowly place the lonely in families than it is the cross I am willing to bear… For  if at the end of my life, I look into the eyes of my children and two are African, two are Chinese, and one is Hispanic, I will not be disappointed that my own green eyes are not staring back at me.  I will feel blessed that I have actually listened to the whispers of a Christ who made me his “own”, His “own” child.